Uncertain Future and Tender Mercies

I've been quietly avoiding my blog for specific reasons.

Uncertainty. Pity party. Frustration. Worry.

I've prayed for months. I've gone to the temple. I've tried to have great faith.....and then wondered if I didn't have enough faith.

Trying to sell myself to grad schools has been a trial. I sent grades. I sent what I thought was a great letter. I sent good GRE scores. I sent my heart in three cyber envelopes and one snail mail. All in hopes that some university would say "We like you! We really like you!"

Vanderbilt sent a lovely rejection letter. Seriously, it oozed southern charm. I was slightly sad but not too much because that was my long shot. I was over it by the next day.

Florida State sent me a terse rejection email. I was devastated. I thought I met all their criteria. It was a great school and really close to my Georgia grandmother (as in I could head over there for Sunday dinner and spent days off hanging with her. I would have loved that opportunity!) It was a hard blow and I really grieved.

Then I worried. What if no one wants me?

The University of Utah sent a rejection letter. I don't think they ever received my GRE score. I tried to find out what was going on before the deadline, but the secretary I called was rather terse (every single time). I think she was having a bad day (week/month) and didn't want to mess with my problems.

Mr. Wonderful took me to the temple. We talked about what would happen if I didn't get accepted anywhere. After all, if three universities didn't want me, why would my own university want me? What then? Do I wait and apply again? Do I chalk it up to a great experience? We both knew that it was divine inspiration that I go back to school. I finally had to just put it all in God's hands. His plan is the best plan (isn't that what I have to keep learning?) I finally tried to humble myself and say "Heavenly Father, I trust you."

On April Fool's Day this came in the mail. But it was no April Fools:

My university wants me. I am going to grad school to become an Speech-Language Pathologist.

I AM GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL!

I shouted this to my entire neighborhood. Those who were out washing their cars heard me. I'm sure the angels heard me. I called Mr. Wonderful. I called my twin sis. I called my BFF who was so helpful when I admitted that the rejection letters made me feel .......well, not worthless but certainly not wanted.

My university has faith in me and I am so grateful to them for their confidence in me. The program is highly competitive to get into.

This morning I woke up with a reassurance that my Father in Heaven is well aware of me. We are definitely meant to stay here. Secondborn has a wonderful opportunity in an advanced high school. The programs available here for Thirdborn and The Love Magnet are so much better than other places we've lived. Firstborn will be able to leave for his mission from here (ohmiheavens, he leaves in less than a year!) The kids are relieved that we are not moving and that they don't have to leave their friends, teachers, and schools. There is a relief of not having to sell our house. I'm grateful that we'll be staying around our ward family, close-ish to our immediate family (well at least we can get there for weekends away), and I am beyond thrilled to be going to school with my classmates who are also kindred spirits and very much like sisters.

My future is more certain. I can't control much in my life,

but at least I know the direction I am going.