Friday, January 25, 2008

Big Girls Don't Cry

Today I stopped by the elementary school, a little to early before it was time to pick up DD. I wanted to talk to the resource teacher about DD's I.E.P. When I walked into the resource room, I saw DD's aide. Without DD. It turns out that there was a bit of a shakeup, and DD's aide (in order to make up for one less person on the staff) was assigned to another child. DD was given a new aide.

The news of this should not have set me off like it did. But the tears came. I have been concerned with DS#3's challenges in the classroom. I have a mtg next week with all of the therapists and specialist to discuss what to do about him. I thought that DD was in great hands. Actually, that is the wrong thing to say. DD is in great hands; her new aide is the resource teacher, someone I consider a dear friend. But the thought of of having DD's routine disrupted (remember how she doesn't handle change very well?) kind of put me over the edge for a minute. There I was in the resource room, tears in my eyes, the school counselor telling me that the change would be okay.

I felt so stupid.

My favorite scripture is Ether 12:27 which says:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them
their weakness I give unto men weakness that they may be humble;
and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me;
for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I
make weak things become strong unto them.

My crying has always seemed a weakness to me and I hope and pray that someday I will get over it. As a teen, I never cried at movies. I couldn't make tears when my characters required it in drama class. I was never weepy until college when I developed mono, Epstein Barr virus, and depression (the depression was directly related and lasted six months). While I am no longer depressed (what a blessing that is!) I still get teary often and sometimes at the most inopportune times.

This week I had tears when I saw my Grandma. (It was so good to see her! I hope she didn't notice my red eyes). I cry when I share my testimony. I cry when I talk about DD's birth and the spiritual experiences that happened that first week. I cry each and every time I watch Extreme Home Makeover (maybe that shouldn't count since I think every one cries while watching that). I cry when I watch a great musical live (the music of Les Miserable completely overwhelms me. Also Ragtime, Wicked, Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat - Donny Osmond soundtrack, .....). Listening to or singing "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" gets me every time. That's really rough when I am in front of the congregation directing a hymn and the entire ward sees the tears. Of course that has been know to start the waterworks in others who also feel the Spirit....)

I truly hope that one of these days that weakness is turned into a strength. I pray about it daily (and usually start crying while doing so).


CandyandLadybugs said...

Oh sweetie! Don't feel bad. Crying shows how much you care. I wish I could cry easier. But alas, my "happy" pills keep me sane.

I'm sorry for all of the mix up. I wish I could fix it for everyone. Just know that I care deeply for all of my students, and dd didn't seem to mind at all that I was in there. :)

Tammy and Parker said...

Crying can just be a sign that the Spirit is filling your heart. And that is a good thing.

Sending you hugs. And can't wait to hear the rest of your story. :)

Tammy and Parker

Soozcat said...

I've always cried easily. I've thought of it as a weakness until relatively recently. More often than not, that tendency to cry more as one gets older is a sign of deeper empathy--as you go through life experiences, books and poetry and live theater and music and the words of songs that never particularly touched you when you were young and callow start to hit you right where you live, because they've become meaningful in a way you never would have suspected. That's not such a bad thing.

Scarehaircare said...

Sometime after my bout with depression, DH gave me a blessing. In it he told me that I was put through it in order to have more understanding for those who live with it throughout their lives. I was also told that the empathy learned from that experience was a gift.

I guess I just need to learn what to call a weakness and what to call a strength.